


MI6Squad

by doctormissy



Series: The Spectre of Connection [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), London Spy, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alex is 009, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Established Relationship, Flirting, Humor, Life and Such at MI6, M/M, Mary is 001, Q is a Holmes, Texting, and they're all nerds, double-ohs aren't as bad as everyone thinks, they're a huge dysfunctional family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-01-07 18:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12238026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctormissy/pseuds/doctormissy
Summary: eve-moneypants:What is this?R:scroll upJames-bloody-Bond:“Q’s impenetrable group chat”AKA the mandatory chatfic.





	1. #welcome to the squad chat

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by sherlockbuttonhole's KingsSquad, an AMAZING Kingsman chatfic. I love those things, so naturally, I just had to write one. I have a few chapters written already, but don't hope for frequent updates. I'm a very busy person right now.
> 
> Also, by this I'm showing you my Double-Ohs. They're not all irresponsible and careless idiots, as everyone likes to think. No, MI6 is one big family with two white dads, two black daughters, many weird foster children, and Bill Tanner.
> 
> Update: I made the first part of an [edit about my 00 agents](http://jaimclannister.tumblr.com/post/170952916460/mi6-agents-with-the-l-i-c-e-n-c-e-t-o-k-i-l-l) so if you want to know more about them, like their backgrounds, look at it!

**Q** _added_ **R** _to MI6Squad_

**Q:** As you might know, there has been a security breach last week, and top secret data including our staff’s private files and phone records have been stolen. It is most important to keep such information safe from forces that might compromise us, which is why I have established this private chat. I installed the programme on all MI6-issued devices, but I’m currently working on a mobile app compatible with SnapChat accounts and, of course, brand-new, secure mobile phones for everyone. I have uploaded everyone and will add people to this chat as they are required. Also, I would be glad if everyone used this and this only from now on. Not even texts are safe anymore; anyone might be spied on. -Q

 **R:** congratulations on getting it working, boss *clapping hands*

 **R:** but you do know you don’t have to use a signature here. we can see your username.

 **Q:** It’s a habit, R.

 **R:** more like it’s a family thing but whatever

 **R:** speaking of ‘we’ why don’t you add someone else?

 **R:** ...will the app allow us to add ppl from outside the service?

 **Q:** That depends on the setting, but do _not_ even think about that, R. Mistrust is what causes security breaches to begin with, and you should know that.

 **R:** of course sir but I meant maybe merlin or your brothers, not some terrorists, Q

 **Q:** Do not, under any circumstances, add my brothers to this, even if it were possible for you to do so!

 **R:** right. but don’t think they won’t find out anyway. mycroft is literally in charge here

 **Q:** Good point. I shall add some extra security.

 **R:** one more thing you shall add: some cool usernames. like our snapchat ones you know

 **Q:** We already have our codenames, isn’t that enough?

 **Q:** (Good luck trying to change those, I know you will.)

 **R:** ta but I don’t have to try if I can get on the server and change the profiles directly. I’m not your hand for no fucking reason

**R** _changed their username to_ **chri$tina**

**chri$tina** _changed_ **Q’s** _username to_ **TheMaster**

**chri$tina** _added_ **eve-moneypants** , **billyidol** , _and_ **James-bloody-Bond** _to MI6Squad_

 **chri$tina:** welcome to the squad chat. there is a reason behind it, but don’t ask Q to explain it in long boring sentences. basically TALK HERE, NO MOBILES, OR YOU GET KILLED.

 **TheMaster:** I didn’t mean to cause panic, but we’ve been breached. This is a secure and completely impenetrable place for any conversations that are for our eyes only.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** If it’s any close to being as impenetrable as its creator...

 **chri$tina:** *eye roll emoji*

 **chri$tina:** in other words we can say anything we don’t want the boss to see here *winking face* *happy devil* *okay hand*

 **TheMaster:** _@chri$tina_ that is in no way what I meant; _@James-bloody-Bond_ this is a group chat, please, kindly refer from any obscenities!!!

 **chri$tina:** stop lying to urself, it is

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Or what, you will spank me? ;-)

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Tie me to your bed and make me call you Master? You could have just said you wanted to spice things up in the bedroom ;-)

 **chri$tina:** #tmi #overuseofnoseyface #learnhowtouseemojisoldman

 **TheMaster:** Do you want to get nothing but a radio for your next mission, 007? If I recall it correctly, you are departing for Poland in three days. I can do many things in three days.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** So you want handcuffs too?

 **TheMaster:** Yes, to cuff you to your desk and make you do all the paperwork you so generously leave to others.

 **chri$tina:** attention everyone, the boss has his frown-smirk expression on. things are getting serious

 **eve-moneypants:** What is this?

 **chri$tina:** scroll up

 **James-bloody-Bond:** “Q’s impenetrable group chat”

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You wouldn’t mean that, my _@TheMaster_

 **eve-moneypants:** Ahem.

 **TheMaster:** Oh, I would.

 **eve-moneypants:** Why wasn’t I informed there was a breach, Quartermaster? M ought to hear about that.

 **TheMaster:** Yes, you are absolutely correct, which is why I had told him two minutes later. I also asked him to keep the chatter down to avoid unnecessary alarm. I’d taken care of the attackers.

 **chri$tina:** but not before they stole our personal data and put us in terrible danger, oh my goodness, what a catastrophe that is, we will all die,

 **chri$tina:** ^^^ his words not mine

 **TheMaster:** Why didn’t I listen to my reason when it told me this was definitely a shite idea. That was _exactly_ why I didn’t want to alarm you.

 **eve-moneypants:** Why am I thinking Bond has a bad influence on you? The old Q would lock us all in safe houses with doubled security if he could.

 **chri$tina:** you’re not the only one

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Excuse me, ladies, but I can only have a good influence on him if anything. When was the last time he grumbled because he was out of tea, or his bin overflowed with takeaway boxes, hmm?

 **TheMaster:** I wouldn’t push it, James.

 **TheMaster:** And there is no ‘old Q’ and ‘new Q’, Eve. I’m still the same person, which is the Quartermaster of MI6, and my job is to protect my staff.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I am your staff. Will you protecy me? ;-)

 **TheMaster:** You can shut up and correct the typo.

 **chri$tina:** do you rly think he knows how?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Ye of little faith

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Actually, I don’t know how

 **chri$tina:** aha!

 **James-bloody-Bond:** But Q will forgive me because he loves me so much

 **TheMaster:** Sometimes I wonder why.

 **eve-moneypants:** Touché

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q, you hurt my feelings

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You know it’s the charm plus the bedroom skills. But mostly the charm

 **chri$tina:** confident much?

 **TheMaster:** It’s mostly the irresponsibility, carelessness, mistreatment of the expensive equipment I give you, alcohol addiction, and self-importance.

 **chri$tina:** #ilivefortheapplause

 **James-bloody-Bond:**...

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I admit, I deserved that

 **eve-moneypants:** I’ve just witnessed a miracle.

 **chri$tina:** likewise girl

 **TheMaster:** _@chri$tina_ aren’t you supposed to handle 003’s Delhi mission?

 **chri$tina:** he remembers half an hour later

 **chri$tina:** you started this and besides he’s not exactly busy atm

**chri$tina** _added_ **00Free** _to MI6Squad_

**chri$tina:** _@00Free_ tell them what you’re doing

 **00Free:** [ _market.png_ ]

 **00Free:** buying spices for my gf at a street market

 **00Free:** badguys down, wallet loaded, let’s get rollin’

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Now, that’s the attitude I can get behind. Say hello to Nora from me

 **eve-moneypants:** Did you destroy the marketplace in a car chase again?

 **00Free:** _@James-bloody-Bond_ you know that wont earn you a pardom right

 **00Free:**...it was a scooter chase and the cartel is dealt with

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Worth a shot though

 **chri$tina:** _@TheMaster_ see?

 **TheMaster:** I am done with ALL OF YOU. R, get into my office at once.

 **chri$tina:** you know things are getting rough when Q’s using capslock

 **TheMaster:** Office, now.

 **eve-moneypants:** Pray tell, what had happened between 007 and 003?

 **eve-moneypants:** On the other hand, I don’t think I want to know.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You really don’t

 **eve-moneypants:** Anyway, aren’t you supposed to be doing your weekly exercise _#James-bloody-Bond_?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** That’s exactly what I’m doing

 **00Free:** then what are yuo doing, old man, lying about on the mats?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I’ll show you old man when you come back

 **00Free:** yeah it’ll be you lying about on the mats

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Do not tease the snake if you value your life, chav

 **TheMaster:** and turn on your autocorrect or Q will get a heart attack

 **TheMaster:** (R speaking)

 **00Free:** _@James-bloody-Bond_ when i was in africa i ate. snakes. for. dinner.

 **00Free:** _@chri$tina_ yet somehow hes ok with you using lowercase and no punctuatuon

 **TheMaster:** yeah I’m his right hand so I get the privilege -R

 **TheMaster:** That’s not exactly true. -Q

 **TheMaster:** well at least I know what keys I’m hitting -R

 **00Free:** you’re a hacker. i have a tiny mobile and no idea why i’m botherinf with you lot

 **eve-moneypants:** You speak my words.

 **TheMaster:** I could give you a mobile that would fit inside the heel of your shoe if you’d prefer that. -Q

 **00Free:** cause you aren’t siding with your lover boy and r at all

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Could you make it explode?

 **TheMaster:** Not for you. -Q

 **James-bloody-Bond:** What have I done to you, darling?

 **TheMaster:** Threatened to kill 003, to begin with. -Q

 **00Free:** thank you

 **TheMaster:** I’m not done with you, 003. -Q

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Thank you <3

 **eve-moneypants:** M just walked by my desk with a question regarding me not doing my job. Should I tell him why exactly I’m not doing it? He’d be so happy to read what you’ve said.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Is that a threat?

 **eve-moneypants:** No, but telling you I’ll add him if you won’t start behaving like adults is.

 **chri$tina:** you wouldn’t

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Look who’s back. What did he say? ;-)

 **chri$tina:** learn how to use emojis, bond

 **chri$tina:** and that’s none of ur business

 **TheMaster:** She’s got a point, James.

 **eve-moneypants:** I would, and I will.

**eve-moneypants** _added_ **Gareth_M** _to MI6Squad_

**eve-moneypants:** This is the reason why I’m not filling all the paperwork you assigned me to do, sir. See for yourself.

 **Gareth_M:** Is that a real reason, Miss Moneypenny?

 **Gareth_M:** But I agree with her, this is MI6, not a students’ party! Go attend to your business. 003, I expect you to return and debrief at once.

 **00Free:** th flight is in 5 hours, sir. what i do in the remaining four is my business. nora expects me to bring her a gift

 **Gareth_M:** Of course. You are dismissed.

 **chri$tina:** all due respect, but you can’t dismiss us from a chat.....,


	2. #sour tart

**chri$tina:** _@everyone_ do not enter q-branch. the minions were testing a highly efficient flamethrower and I suppose you can guess what happened

 **Gareth_M:** Is there fire again, R?

 **chri$tina:** we’ve put it out and no one was injured, but it’s hard to get the smoke out, sir

 **TheMaster:** No equipment was damaged either, sir. It’s not worth mentioning.

 **Gareth_M:** I hope I can trust your judgement, Q.

 

***

 

 **Gareth_M:** Does anyone want some very sour blackcurrant tart?

 **chri$tina:** nope

 **eve-moneypants:** Why are you asking, sir?

 **Gareth_M:** Mrs Hudson was baking. She gave the tart to Sherlock Holmes, he gave it to Mycroft Holmes, and he gave it to me. There’s more than I could ever eat.

 **TheMaster:** Oh, there always is. You should see the garden and her freezer.

 **billyidol:** I’ll have some, sir, thank you. My son loves sour sweets.

 **TheMaster:** I’ll have some as well, for old times’ sake. Actually, I’m certain my assistants are going to devour it like the vultures they are, so I can take it all.

 **Gareth_M:** You can stop by my office, and remind 008 to collect her files for the upcoming undercover mission while you’re at it. Thank you.

 **TheMaster:** Of course.

 **TheMaster:** I think it’s time I add the Double-Ohs to this chat.

 **TheMaster** _added_ **RMWatson** , **2O 2**, **ScarletWitch** , **highfive** , **RussianVodka** , **007+1** , **ATurner** , **ten_inch** , **theEleventh** , **dark-lord** , **femmethirteen** , _and_ **Robin** _to MI6Squad_

 **TheMaster:** _@007+1_ I am reminding you to collect your files at M’s.

 **RMWatson** **:** Hello. I’m warning you, that tart is VERY sour.

 **ATurner:** So you too, eh?

 **RMWatson** **:** I see we’re all victims to disgusting cake.

 **ATurner:** That wasn’t what I had in mind, but yes, we are _@RMWatson_

 **ATurner:** There is a group chat as this at Kingsman. Was this Merlin’s idea?

 **TheMaster:** Well, whichever reasons they might have had for one, this chat is due to a security breach. It is not for fun or procrastinating from our work.

 **Gareth_M:** 009, ask the Kingsmen if they want blackcurrant pie, will you?

 **007+1:** I’m on my way _@Gareth_M_

 **ATurner:** They don’t but Danny loved it

 **TheMaster:** I can stop by your place and say hello to him later. I will bring some if I can snatch it out of my assistants’ claws.

 **ATurner:** It’s not a live-or-die situation, we don’t need it but that would be great, Q! we haven’t seen much of you since Christmas

 **RMWatson:** As I know Mrs Hudson, there will be more of it in three days anyway...

 **Gareth_M:** God help us.

 

***

 

 **RussianVodka** **:** Did I miss anything interesting?

 **RussianVodka** **:** And why the fuck did I get this username??

 **TheMaster:** The answer to that is simple. You’re Russian, you love vodka more than anything, vodka is made in Russia, and R knows your SnapChat account.

 **RussianVodka** **:** Dammit R. It was a secret between you, me and James.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** And no, Alec, you didn’t

 **chri$tina:** these two disgusting lovebirds were on each other, 003 caused Trouble, and M brought inedible cake

 **billyidol:** The cake wasn’t that bad...

 **RussianVodka** **:** Why, James, would you lie?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I wouldn’t dare lie to my best friend

 **RussianVodka** **:** *again

 **chri$tina:** he doesn’t think details from his personal life are interesting, that prick

 **TheMaster:** R, it’s also my personal life. Please, stay out of it.

 **chri$tina:** idk who said those things in a group chat

**TheMaster:** _@James-bloody-Bond_

**RussianVodka** **:** I’m pretty sure that was a rhetorical question, Qute.

 **TheMaster:** It isn’t if there is an unambiguous answer to it, which in this case comes to be true, since James-bloody-Bond turns everything into a sexual metaphor.

 **TheMaster:** Alec, stop defending your best friend, more so when he’s presently in Poland and out of our authority’s range.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** *blowing a kiss*

 **chri$tina:** kudos, 007

 **eve-moneypants:** The credit for teaching him where to find those on his mobile goes to me *angel emoji*

 **chri$tina:** kudos, eve

 **chri$tina:** _@TheMaster @James-bloody-Bond_ wait what’s going on between you two?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** We’re having the time of our lives

 **TheMaster:** My fiancé is an utter idiot.

 **RussianVodka:** What did he do this time *grin emoji*

 **TheMaster:** To put it mildly, he underestimated his target’s power.

 **TheMaster:** He thought he was alone so he began to pursue him across the whole city on a stolen bike but when he turned into a dead end, eight men lunged at him, and he had to flee. One would think that’s easy with a bike, and it would be if it weren’t for an old man with a dachshund whose leash got in the way because the dog scented a sausage someone had dropped on the other side or the pavement. He plummeted on the cobbles headfirst, the man was yelling at him in Polish, the dog was barking, the heavies were all armed... guess what James Bond did.

 **RussianVodka:** LMAO

 **RussianVodka:** I have no idea but this is hilarious

 **TheMaster:** He had no better idea than to jump into the ice-cold Vistula, which means two things: he let his target and all his men escape, and he NEARLY FUCKING DIED.

 **TheMaster:** This isn’t funny, Alec. I was paralysed with fear for hours before he reported to me from his hotel room. I ordered him to stay there for at least a day and get his face attended to. He was back on the streets in four hours.

 **chri$tina:** you gotta admit it _is_ a bit funny, Q

 **00Free:** is there a video? XD

 **James-bloody-Bond:** There isn’t and even if there were, I would rather go and kill you than let you watch it

 **00Free:** you could try, lazarus

 **chri$tina:** and so the saga continues

 **Gareth_M:** Gentlemen, this is a very serious situation. How come I’m only hearing about this now? _@James-bloody-Bond_ you are on suspended leave effective immediately, please return to London and let someone else complete the mission.

 **RussianVodka:** Oh, James is in t r o u b l e

 **00Free:** there you go, you old imcompetent fool

 **James-bloody-Bond:** At least I will get to kick your arse sooner than I thought

 **ScarletWitch:** For fuck’s sake, enough of the rivalry. You’re both adults and 00 agents, so start behaving like ones.

 **Gareth_M:** Thank you, 004. If I’m not misinformed, you are currently in the UK, so you can take charge of the mission if it won’t be a problem.

 **ScarletWitch:** Thank you as well, sir. I will be ready to depart in two hours.

 **TheMaster:** Stop by Q-Branch on the way, please. I have something for you.

 **ScarletWitch:** Will do.

 **Gareth_M:** I sense there had been so much you’d kept from me over the years, I’m worried to even ask if this is what it always looks like. Operating behind my back like this. I should fire all of you.

 **eve-moneypants:** But you know Queen and Country need the Service, and the Service needs the Double-Ohs as duly proved to Blofeld, sir.

 **Gareth_M:** Alas, it does.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** _@eve-moneypants_ you realise this is on you, don’t you?

 **eve-moneypants:** I do, and I don’t regret it in the least.

 **TheMaster:** If I’d known all I had to do to get Bond to do as he is told was creating a group chat, in which M can read everything, I would have done it years ago.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q, you hurt my feelings. Again. When do I not do as I am told?

 **chri$tina:** all the time????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The agents were in the order of their numbers, 001 to 0014. (You probably haven't read the first work in the series, but 004's name is Scarlet, hence the username. I hope the others are all clear.)


	3. #the wife

**eve-moneypants:** [ _kitchen.png_ ]

 **eve-moneypants:** Whoever has made this mess, please clean it up. MI6 will not suffer having pigs for employees. Everyone knows you don’t put eggs in a microwave oven.

 **highfive:** why would you assume it was one of us, miss moneypenny? There are 200 more people working here who aren’t in this group

 **RussianVodka:** it was 005

 **RussianVodka:** because he’s an idiot

 **highfive:** thank you so much, Alec :)))

 **highfive:** but idk who was reheating 3 days old goulash in the only pot we have

 **RussianVodka:** idk who felt a craving for sandwich with boiled eggs that was too strong to not see to even if it meant creating an explosion in the kitchen of all places

 **eve-moneypants:** _@highfive_ just go and clean the place up before M goes and takes his salad from the fridge and sees it. NO excuses.

 **highfive:** if we had more pots it wouldn’t happen

 **eve-moneypants:** Someone volunteered to buy more pots for the common kitchen.

 **highfive:** this time, you win, eve. this time.

 **chri$tina:** this reminds me of that one time at xmas when the kingsman lad blew up the holmeses’ microwave oven with soup........

 **eve-moneypants:** I still see your pissed face on my eyelids when I close my eyes *blowing a kiss* *halo emoji*

 **highfive:** wish I was there

 **chri$tina:** no one invited you, five

 

***

 

 **billyidol:** Speaking of gatherings, it’s Joan’s birthday tomorrow, and she invites you to come to her party. It takes place on Saturday at our house. Definitely bring something to drink. *smiley face*

 **eve-moneypants:** Oh I haven’t seen her and your son in ages! I’m definitely coming.

 **chri$tina:** count me in as well, bill *party popper* *birthday cake*

 **chri$tina:** _@TheMaster_ you are coming with us to celebrate bill’s wife’s bday and no excuses are accepted, sir

 **TheMaster:** I’m very sorry _@billyidol @chri$tina_ but I’m working on Saturday. The new mobiles and chat application won’t create themselves. Give her my best wishes.

 **billyidol:** I will, Q, but are you sure you can’t change your plans?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Darling, you will change your plans. The bloody app isn’t more important than a party at Bill’s

 **billyidol:** I know you just want to get drunk _@James-bloody-Bond_ but you speak truth for once and I agree with you. So should you _@TheMaster_

 **TheMaster:** You are all impossible, incorrigible prats.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** But you will consider it

 **TheMaster:** I’m already considering it and calculating all pros and cons of appearing at the party. And I think I might come if _@chri$tina_ promises to help me with some coding I must do by Sunday.

 **chri$tina:** well in that case I’ll be happy to help *happy smiley*

 **TheMaster:** And in another case you wouldn’t be? I don’t like this attitude, R.

 **chri$tina:**...

 **chri$tina:** of course not, boss

 **billyidol:** Alright. Should I count with anyone else?

 **RussianVodka:** I can come if you want Bill

 **billyidol:** Not to hurt your pride but perhaps not. Joan still remembers what had happened the last time you showed up at the house.

 **RussianVodka:** Fair enough, brother

 **femmethirteen:** I am free on Sat so I might pop in for a minute. Joan adores me and you know it _@billyidol_

 **billyidol:** If you’re trying to make me jealous, it’s working.

 **femmethirteen:** Aww don’t worry teddy bear, I’m not going to steal your wife when I already have a beauty at home *women with heart* *diamond ring* *sparkling heart*

 **billyidol:** I’m glad *happy sweat* You can bring Karen too, of course.

 **femmethirteen:** Would if I could, but she’s got too much work... we all know criminals never rest *pensive face* *balance scales*

 **Gareth_M:** Yes, and that is why I won’t be able to make it either. Remind me to send Mrs Tanner some flowers, _@eve-moneypants_

 **eve-moneypants:** I’ll write it in your calendar, sir.

 **dark-lord:** I’m out of the country but Tanyah and the twins can come!!! They’re quite good friends with your Colin aren’t they?

 **billyidol:** I think they are, but he has so many friends I can hardly keep up, TBH.

**dark-lord** _added_ **tanyah^.^** _to MI6Squad_

**dark-lord:** _@tanyah^.^_ babe it’s Joan Tanner’s birthday in two days will you go there for me?? *purple heart* *purple heart*

 **tanyah^.^:** Oh we’d love to, it’s been like 100 years since Max & Cay saw Colin outside school. I’ll take the day off and work longer on Monday; can the Gruber recordings wait for two days, sir _@Gareth_M_?

 **Gareth_M:** I’ll have someone else listen to them if need be. Just report to Miss Moneypenny.

 **eve-moneypants:** Don’t have to _@tanyah^.^_ I already signed you off for Saturday. Do you want me to give you a lift to the party?

 **tanyah^.^:** That would be great, Eves *happy face*

 **billyidol:** So I’ll tell Joan maybe 8 people are coming, yeah? Is that final?

 **eve-moneypants:** Just say 10, you never know.

 **eve-moneypants:** Can I hope for some decent meatless food, btw?

 **billyidol:** Joan’s going through this chia seeds and quinoa phase so I’d go as far to say there won’t be a piece of meat on the table.

 **eve-moneypants:** Ahh, I love it! (Too bad _@James-bloody-Bond_ , it looks like you might die of hunger.)

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I reckon the drinks will make up for it

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Besides, do you have any idea how long I survived without a bite of food when I was held by the Pakistani bitches two years ago?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** No offence _@007+1_

 **007+1:** None taken.

 **007+1:** Also you wouldn’t survive if I hadn’t shot those bitches and dragged your miserable arse out of there.

 **femmethirteen:** NOICE *clapping hands*

 **femmethirteen:** *red heart* I love my badass Pakistani sister *red heart*

 **007+1:** Don’t.

 

***

 

 **ATurner:** _@billyidol_ me and Danny are going to the party as well if you’ll have us

 **billyidol:** Sure! You know the saying, the more the merrier *thumbs up*

 **TheMaster:** That’s definitely nice to hear. Did Danny get my little present?

 **ATurner:** Yes, and he literally sparkled with joy, might I say

 **TheMaster:** I’m delighted to hear that.

 

***

 

 **billyidol:** Just reminding you that the party begins at 12 AM tomorrow _@chri$tina @eve-moneypants @TheMaster @James-bloody-Bond @femmethirteen @tanyah^.^_ _@ATurner_ *happy face*

 **femmethirteen:** Lovely *sparkles* *rainbow *

 **ATurner:** Will it be alright if we arrive a bit later? We’re staying out of town for the night and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to make it in the morning traffic.

 **billyidol:** Of course, but don’t be too late, we won’t wait with lunch *grinning face*

 **tanyah^.^:** Me and the kids (and Eve) are super excited Bill!!!

 **chri$tina:** I sincerely hope you haven’t backed out of it _@TheMaster_

 **TheMaster:** I have not.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Thanks to me and my persuasion skills

 **TheMaster:** I told you that you had absolutely nothing to do with it. I want to visit Bill and his wife.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You can keep lying to yourself, darling, but you cannot deceive a skilled 00 agent who is coincidentally your fiancé

 **TheMaster:** Is that a challenge, James?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** If you think you’d be up for it

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Or that you ever could

 **TheMaster:** Oh yes, I could. I dare you, James Bond. It will be a cruel fight.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You’re still lying to yourself, Q. I almost feel sorry for you right now

 **TheMaster:** You will feel much sorrier once you lose.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** What’s the prize?

 **TheMaster:** If I win, you must wear a T-shirt that says ‘I’m a loser and a crappy spy’ to work for a week and do all the chores for two weeks. And no sex.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Alright, I accept that because it won’t happen and I will win, in which case I’ll have you publically announce you’re an idiot who unsuccessfully tried to fool James Bond, the best agent/lover in the whole world and I can take anything I want from your workshop for my next mission

 **TheMaster:** Deal. We will see who’s really the master in this relationship, and we have 18 witnesses to testify to this historical moment.

 **chri$tina:** yo things are getting r o u g h in here

 **eve-moneypants:** May the best agent win *grinning cat*

 **Gareth_M:** I hope this wager won’t affect your work, gentlemen.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Of course it won’t, sir

 **00Free:** right but are we allowed to bet on this

 **007+1:** What he said.

 **eve-moneypants:** The betting pool is open as of now. All the money goes to Miss Moneypenny who will guard it with her life until we have a winner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tanyah is Eve's cousin, and she's an agent too, but not a 00. Just saying.


	4. #the bet

**chri$tina:** hey Q do u have any ideas on how to win the bet yet

 **TheMaster:** If you text me on private chat, I might consider answering your question.

 **chri$tina:** oops sorry *happy sweat*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** My darling, will you answer me? *sparkling heart*

 **TheMaster:** Shut up; this is war. Pet names and heart emoticons won’t help you, and neither will the fact we’re getting married in three months.

 **femmethirteen:** So you’ve already got a date?? *eyes* *two men with heart* *rainbow* *blowing a kiss*

 **TheMaster:** _@James-bloody-Bond_ can I tell her?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** If you tell me what your endgame for the bet is

 **TheMaster:** _@femmethirteen_ It’s on 25th June, six months after Second V-Day and not a day off. It was James’ idea to devote the day to something to happy and significant and not let the Roman massacre destroy us forever.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You just told everyone...

 **TheMaster:** I thought your spy brain would comprehend this obvious situation perfectly.

 **femmethirteen:** That’s very sweet, you know. Being all positive about what had happened and telling Spectre to fuck off because that day is and will forever be YOURS. I’m so glad you didn’t let it ruin you, Q. *happy smiley* x 1000

 **femmethirteen:** Karen and I got married a year (365 days) after the attack in Paris in which I nearly died. She had said, it had been an omen. We were meant to do it, and so are you two. *red, yellow, green, blue, purple heart*

 **00Free:** how many times are u gonna remind us of that

 **007+1:** Don’t be a bitch, 003. It was beautiful, and so is this idea.

 **chri$tina:** wow how come you didn’t tell me, boss? you know I, as the king’s hand, ought to know everything first *crying face*

 **TheMaster:** I do, and I intended to tell you later today. Blame James and Audrey.

 **chri$tina:** audrey is too sweet to blame. babe I’d never

 **chri$tina:** (I bought this top nail polish yesterday and I can tell it would look bloody perfect on you!!! stop by q-branch later? we can have some spice mocha latte)

 **chri$tina:** why _@James-bloody-Bond_

 **femmethirteen:** Mmmh you know what I live for, Tina *heart eyes cat*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Can someone tell me what I’ve done

 **eve-moneypants:** Bothered your husband-to-be about the bet repeatedly, for starters. But the list of things you have done is infinite, I believe, and I’m not talking years before you and I met.

 **eve-moneypants:** BTW, I’ll make sure everyone’s schedule is clear for the day and there will be no missions save the ongoing ones. Do you have a venue yet, _@James-bloody-Bond @TheMaster_?

 **TheMaster:** Eve, you’re taking things too fast. We’ve agreed on the date two days ago, of course we don’t have a venue, or suits, or cakes, or whatever you were to ask about next.

 **TheMaster:** Could you please refrain from discussing our wedding on here altogether? There is still enough time. Ta.

 **chri$tina:** not to be a bitch but you kinda talked about it first, sir

 **TheMaster:** I did, but I had no intent to continue talking about it, unlike you chattering lot.

 **chri$tina:** we’re still invited though right

 **RussianVodka:** If you think we deserve the honour *smirking face*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Do you think you deserve the honour to be my best man, Alec?

 **RussianVodka:** I do, I definitely do, brother

 **RussianVodka:** Because that _is_ an honour and I’ll be happy to have it

 **chri$tina:** ok but I have an important question: is Q the bride or will you have two best men

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q is the bride.

 **TheMaster:** Do you want to lie six feet under ground before the wedding happens, 007?

 **TheMaster:** Each of us will have a best man, and mine is Danny Holt, my cousin and _@ATurner_ ’s partner.

 **chri$tina:** shame, I really wanted to see Q in a dress

 **RussianVodka:** I think everyone did tbh

 **chri$tina:** also how come he knows when I don’t???

 **TheMaster:** Because of this.

 **TheMaster:** And cousins come before Hands of the King.

 **chri$tina:** so you admitted it *horns hand* I am your ned stark *wolf*

 **highfive:** so you want to lose your head? lmao

 **chri$tina:** not nice

 **00Free:** ugh y is everyone here such a nerd

 **femmethirteen:** *Vulcan salute*

 **dark-lord:** Is there something you have to say, 003???

 **theEleventh:** And be careful what you say if you don’t want to be EX-TER-MI-NA-TED!!!

 **dark-lord:** The Sith Lord and his army of Daleks are ready to engage, _@TheMaster_

 **TheMaster:** Permission to go and crush every single filthy human granted. Go get them, my Daleks, there is no place for primitives in my perfect universe, in which I am the Lord and Master of all!!!

 **TheMaster:** –evil laughter–

 **00Free:** i hate y’all

 **00Free:** *middle finger*

 **Gareth_M:** That is no way to talk to the Master, human scum. He is your overlord and you must obey him if you do not wish to die in agony.

 **chri$tina:** *clapping hands* applause, darth mallory *clapping hands*

 **TheMaster:** I have my Tissue Compression Eliminator and a Dalek army at my command, plus two powerful Sith Lords by my side. It seems to me that you have but one option left.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Surrender or die! We are Time Lords Victorious, and we leave no man standing in the trail of chaos behind us. Once I was different, but the Doctor is no more, and the man who I have become has no mercy with those who blaspheme.

 **00Free:** turns out you’re all wrong, i have another option, an unthought-of impossible idea. i’m going to fight y’all and win

 **TheMaster:** My dear Doctor, my companion, my men and army, attack!

**TheMaster** _removed_ **00Free** _from MI6Squad_

**TheMaster:** Thank you for the help, sir _@Gareth_M_

 **Gareth_M:** I think it was time someone made 003 learn a lesson. He dared go too far, as he tends to. Besides, I myself have been a fan of Doctor Who since I was five, and I’ve always had a soft spot for the Master.

 **TheMaster:** So did I, sir. So did I.

 **chri$tina:** (which isn’t obvious at all)

 **TheMaster:** Anyone else dares disobey your Master?

 **highfive:** nope

 **chri$tina:** I am your loyal companion, I would never

 **007+1:** Better be safe and not try.

 **ScarletWitch:** Scarlet Witch stands proudly by your side.

 **theEleventh:** As does the Doctor from the past.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I am the Tenth, which means you’re in the future, Eleven

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Oh no, I’m Indian in my next regeneration. Still not ginger!

 **dark-lord:** Wait for the next one, it’s further from ginger than anything can be. Hello, I’m number twelve, a bald black bloke! And I have sired halfling children with a human, I was unfaithful to my best enemy Master!!!

 **femmethirteen:** But I’m a woman now, how so lovely. I’m finally free of misogynist stereotypes, mediaeval opinions, and weird parts. I love being so free. And I have another wife. Sorry, Missy, but I’m just doing what you did. *red heart* *red heart*

 **Robin:** I am number fourteen, and I am finally ginger!!! My wish has come true!!!

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Bloody hell, there is another! And they don’t even know what gender they are this time, blimey

 **Robin:** Yes, I have just come from my lonely exile in dark and cold Finland. It’s so good to be back in the UK, where university girls come running into my TARDIS like ants.

 **TheMaster:** My dear Doctor, what have you done? I hate you! I will hunt you across galaxies and make you pay! You will suffer!

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Nonsense, dear, I know you love me, we are for eternity, we are meant to be, we can’t be without each other, you wouldn’t do that to me

 **chri$tina:** is this rp anymore or is it just you, I’m a bit confused *worried face* *confused face*

 **chri$tina:** cos if not, it means you ship it

 **chri$tina:** in which case

 **James-bloody-Bond:**???

 **TheMaster:** Like I said, we are meant to be, we love each other so much, there is no denying. We can’t deny it even though we try to kill each other all the time.

 **chri$tina:** yeah, but are you talking about you-you or rp-you

 **femmethirteen:** Obviously, it’s both *ROFL* *sunglasses face*

 **chri$tina:** I love you

 **chri$tina:** I mean even more because I’ve always loved you, naturally

 **TheMaster:** _@chri$tina_ , have you just thrown your hands in the air and squealed?

 **chri$tina:** no.....//

 **chri$tina:** alright I admit I have but I thought you weren’t looking

 **chri$tina:** *whisper* you two ship the doctor and the master *whisper over*

 **ScarletWitch:** I hate to be the one to ask, but wtf is going on?

 **TheMaster:** Please, ignore it.

 **chri$tina:** well, we can say we successfully ignored the wedding as well *winking face*

 **eve-moneypants:** Until you so niftily reminded us *laughing face*

 **chri$tina:** I know I’m so smart and cunning

 **chri$tina:** no, I’m kidding, it was unintentional. we all know I’m a hufflepuff *yellow heart*

 **TheMaster:** Yes, and I can forgive you for this, and the immature squeal.

 **TheMaster:** Though, you still aren’t quite forgiven, _@James-bloody-Bond_

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q, darling, one more time. What have I done?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Are you out of tea? Do you want some? A sandwich? Should I come down to Q-Branch, make everyone take a break and remind you what a loving and attentive fiance I can be as I make you scream my name over your desk? *winking face*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Because I know how irresistible this body is. And you know that too

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I will do anything you want just don’t be mad at me. I love you

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Why aren’t you replying

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Actually why isn’t anyone replying, I’d expect at least ten different comments on that by now

 **James-bloody-Bond:** That’s it, I’m going to Q-Branch

 **eve-moneypants:** Is he offline?

 **dark-lord:** He is

 **chri$tina:** omg he really has no idea hasn’t he

 **highfive:** should I tell him, ladies? he’s walking by my office in 12 secs

 **TheMaster:** If you screw this up, you will go to Ukraine by train.

 **highfive:** convincing enough, madam

 **chri$tina:** hang on, I’m filming this historical moment #2

 **TheMaster:** It’ll take him a while to get here, R. You can work on the nano microphone in the meantime; we’ve wasted enough time as it is.

 

***

 

 **chri$tina:** ATTENTION SOMEONE JUST LOST A BET QUICKEST IN MI6 HISTORY!!!

 **chri$tina:** [ _loser.mp4_ ]

 **RussianVodka:** LMAO *laughing crying face* *laughing crying face* *laughing crying face*

 **highfive:** serves him right

 **theEleventh:** I’m looking forward to seeing you in the tee tomorrow *hundred points*

 **007+1:** *thumbs up* *thumbs up* *thumbs up*

 **eve-moneypants:** Kudos to James Bond, everyone. The best among the Double-Ohs.

 **Gareth_M:** I must say this escalated rather quickly.

 **Gareth_M:** Congratulations, 007, on being an incompetent fool. Anyone who has read the conversations would know what was really going on. And now go back to work.

 **2O 2: **I guess it’s true that when someone is arse over tits in love, rules of logic don’t apply. Here we have a prime example *laughing face*

 **ATurner:** I can’t believe my eyes right now.

 **dark-lord:** You should see Cayleigh’s reaction, _@ATurner @James-bloody-Bond_

 **tanyah^.^:** [ _twins_653.png_ ]

 **billyidol:** _@eve-moneypants_ did anyone even bet on Bond winning?

 **eve-moneypants:** Let me check. Only _@RussianVodka_ , and personally I think he did it out of sheer mercy.

 **chri$tina:** can I add 003 again? I know he’s a twat but he’ll love this

 **TheMaster:** You have my official permission.

 **chri$tina:** THE MASTER HAS SPOKEN

**chri$tina** _added_ **00Free** _to MI6Squad_

**00Free:** too late to come crawling you pricks

 **eve-moneypants:** All wrongs aside, you have to see this. Scroll up.

 **00Free:** this doesnt mean i forgive u but that thing literally made me day lmao

 **TheMaster:** Alright, I think it was enough of the jibes. 007 still is a great agent and my fiancé, and you should show him a little respect even in this situation.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Thank you, darling *red heart*

 **TheMaster:**...because there won’t be a grain of respect left in him tomorrow. I will provide pictures. Also, there is a huge pile of shirts that need ironing, so get on with it when you come home. *blowing a kiss*

 **chri$tina:** no shit, Q used an emoji. historical moment #3

 **TheMaster:** Desperate measures.

 **TheMaster:** By the way, I have finished polishing the app and installed it to your new mobiles. You can come and pick them up in my office anytime this week. Also, your old numbers have been erased from existence.

 **00Free:** that’s just awesome

 **highfive:** ikr

 **007+1:** I gave my number to literally three people in the whole world. I’m cool with that.

 **00Free:** ur just weird

 **007+1:** And I don’t care for your opinion.

 **chri$tina:** do you want to be removed again?

 **00Free:** no. sorry 008

 **007+1:** Apology accepted.

 **TheMaster:** It was a safety precaution I had to make. You’ve been hacked, so I think calling a few people and giving them the new number isn’t that much of a nuisance considering what might have happened.

 **eve-moneypants:** My words, Q.

 **eve-moneypants:** Did you notice how Bond doesn’t talk to us anymore?

 **TheMaster:** He’s sulking on the sofa.

 **chri$tina:** he’s probably terrified of the ironing

 **TheMaster:** He says he’s not, but strictly among us, I think he is.


	5. #the fridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you thought this was dead, didn't you? well, i haven't written anything since february, and this weekend, i was bored, so i thought i could update at least _something_ and this one was the easiest, so here we are.
> 
> it directly follows the previous chapter.

**highfive:** i've just seen bond's tee. had the laughs of my life

 **highfive:** [ _bond.png_ ]

 **femmethirteen:** Oh my god *grinning face* *red heart*

 **theEleventh:** *blowing a kiss*

 **ScarletWitch:** You look stunning _@James-bloody-Bond_

 **RussianVodka:** *thumbs up*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Everybody, shut up. I won't say it twice

 **TheMaster:** It is no one's but your doing.

 **eve-moneypants:** All right, but how did you even have that t-shirt _@TheMaster_?

 **TheMaster:** Always be ready for anything, Miss Moneypenny.

 **dark-lord:** How long exactly has it been?

 **TheMaster:** That is none of your concern, 0012.

 **TheMaster:** Well, it's been a few months.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You have disappointed me, darling

 **TheMaster:** You tend to say that a lot, darling, so somehow I don't find it convincing.

 **eve-moneypants:** I can almost see the smirk on Q's face.

 **chri$tina:** I can literally see the smirk on q's face

 **chri$tina:** didn't you say you'll provide pictures yesterday _@TheMaster_

 **highfive:** and i beat him to it, hah

 **TheMaster:** Worry not, I still have a few good ones.

 **00Free:** gimme

 **TheMaster:** [ _james1.png_ ]

 **TheMaster:** [ _james2.png_ ]

 **00Free:** *thumbs up* *grinning face* *grinning and crying face* *100 points*

 **TheMaster:** [ _james3.png_ ]

 **eve-moneypants:** Nice ones, Bond.

 **chri$tina:** *thumbs up*

 **TheMaster:** Oh no. 007 is on his way to Q-Branch.

 **highfive:** someone's gonna get some

 **TheMaster:** Yes, equipment to sort and clean up. It can as well as be you, 005.

 **highfive:** nah i'm good, i wouldn't deprive bond of his rightly earned work

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Why thank you

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I'm not speaking to any of you ever again

 **00Free:** if I knew that's wgat it took

 

***

 

 **eve-moneypants:** I’m on my way to top up the common fridge, does anyone want anything?

 **eve-moneypants:** NOTE: you’ll pay for it. All of you. What happened the last time won’t repeat.

 **femmethirteen:** I’m running out of soy milk for my coffee. You’d be a sweetheart if you got me a bottle *blowing a kiss*

 **highfive:** some yoghurt thanks

 **highfive:** preferably corner

 **highfive:** love the crunchies

 **chri$tina:** /eye-roll/

 **chri$tina:** I haven’t eaten for like 10 hours so a sandwich would be nice

 **eve-moneypants:** Same for Q, I reckon?

 **TheMaster:** That would be lovely. You know what I like.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q you haven’t eaten in ten hours? Darling, you know I told you to set an alarm for lunchtime

 **James-bloody-Bond:** _@chri$tina_ I told you to check if he eats

 **RussianVodka:** Look who’s shown up

 **RussianVodka:** Oh and Eve can you get me some of those cup soups

 **chri$tina:** I did!

 **chri$tina:** or would have if we weren’t under cyber attack from our friends in korea………

 **Gareth_M:** Why am I only hearing about this now, R?

 **Gareth_M:** All employees have the duty to report any serious issues that might put our country and government at risk directly and immediately to me.

 **chri$tina:** sorry sir but q-branch is currently very very busy stopping them from breaching us there was no time for _anything_

 **TheMaster:** And sir, you should have got a notification on your PC if I’m correct.

 **Gareth_M:** Oh, right, yes. Sorry, Quartermaster. One forgets to check their computer when they’re bollocks-deep in sloppily filled paperwork from 00 missions that took place half a year ago _@James-bloody-Bond @00Free @highfive @theEleventh_

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I’m sorry sir but that’s hardly my fault

 **00Free:** for the 1st time in me life I must agree w bond ^^

 **Gareth_M:** *my life.

 **00Free:** yeah whatever sir

 **Gareth_M:** I shall call our Korean counterpart and tell her to deal with the attackers. The next time this happens, I don’t care if you send a cleaner up here to tell me about it, but you will tell me about it, understand, Quartermaster?

 **TheMaster:** Yes, perfectly, sir. Sorry again.

 **Gareth_M:** It’s the Koreans who will be sorry.

 **Gareth_M:** Oh and _@eve-moneypants_ , could you bring me a sandwich too? And some cake, I feel like I’m really going to need it after I’m done with them. Something with lots of chocolate, if you would.

 **eve-moneypants:** Of course, sir.

 **eve-moneypants:** Is that all?

 **Gareth_M:** On second thoughts, I could use a pint of strong beer as well.

 **RussianVodka:** Speaking of beer can I have a bottle of doom bar

 **eve-moneypants:** Right, my shoulders won’t die under the weight of all that at all.

 **eve-moneypants:** You’re paying immediately or I’m not getting you anything, Alec. We all know your history.

 **RussianVodka:** Ah I’m afraid I forgot my wallet

 **RussianVodka:** But I’ll owe you one

 **eve-moneypants:** All right. But know that I’ll collect.

 **RussianVodka:** Anything for you gorgeous

 **eve-moneypants:** If you ever call me that again, 006, you can forget about your cup soups.

 **RussianVodka:** Yes ma’am

 

***

 

**chri$tina:** _@TheMaster_

**TheMaster:** What is it, R?

 **chri$tina:** did I just find ur tumblr

**chri$tina:** ussenterprise.tumblr.com

**TheMaster:** Maybe.

 **chri$tina:** so I did

 **chri$tina:** also _wow_ you’ve got some url skills

 **TheMaster:** Thank you. I’ve actually made that blog back in 2007 so I was the lucky one to get it.

 **00Free:** wait q has a tumblr wtf

 **00Free:** how dudn’t i know

 **TheMaster:** Perhaps I didn’t want my staff to know for a reason, 003.

 **00Free:** yeahhhhh i can see why you dirty bastard *winking face*

 **00Free:** SO MANY GAY STAR TREK FANARTS

 **TheMaster:** Why on Earth did you have to pull it out, R? *angry face*

 **chri$tina:** ok you’re honestly asking boss you’re supposed to have an iq of 154

 **chri$tina:** wait _@00Free_ did u just admit to knowing star trek

 **chri$tina:** I thought you despised nerds

 **00Free:** fukc

 **00Free:** fuck

 **theEleventh:** That’s right 003

 **dark-lord:** *devil* you can’t hide anymore

 **00Free:** ok firstly why is this abuot me suddenly and not about the fact q has a tumblr w doctor who gifs and nsfw spirk fanarts

 **00Free:** double fuck

 **00Free:** ITS NORAS FAULT OK SHE PUT ME UP TO IT BC SHES SUHC A FANGIRL AND I COULDN LISTEN TO HER WHINING ANYMORE BC I LVOE HER TOO MUCH TO DENY HER SMTH

 **dark-lord:** Say whatever you like Clyde we sure believe you

 **chri$tina:** clyde003.tumblr.com hey everyone

 **chri$tina:** you even used ur codename in ur username. how can someone be such an amateur?

 **00Free:** i hate u tina

 **00Free:** so you’d see im not lying damerones.tumblr.com

 **00Free:** see the desc? _nora | 22 | uk | slytherin | multifandom_. that’s my gf

 **TheMaster:** I see yours: _Hey guys I’m Clyde, I live in London, I’m pan and I’m 23. I love memes, Star Trek, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Marvel and some other stuff but mostly my girlfriend Nora who made me make this blog (you can find her here). It’s all reblogs bc I don’t have the time to make stuff bc of my job (hey I’m a spy but shh). I travel a lot and love working out (for missions haha)._

 **TheMaster:** Do you realise someone might find some incriminating information through your blog? We all know 00s tend to be reckless but this is too much, 003. You may even be the reason our private details were stolen and I made this chat in the first place. Please, delete the notes in parentheses. You would also be wise to change URL; I’m sure your girlfriend would give you one of hers.

 **TheMaster:** BTW, her blog is lovely, and I gave her a follow.

 **00Free:** fuuuuck. bloody hell i’m sorry. i didn’t know. it was supposed to be a joke. no one ever goes on my blog anyway it’s not like ive got followers or anything. idk how someone would find it. i swear i didn’t do it intentoinally and that it’s not my fault

 **00Free:** at least i hope

 **00Free:** omg bollocks

 **00Free:** again I’m sorry q please don’t tell mallory

 **00Free:** i’m rewriting it rn

 **00Free:** also she’ll be glad

 **TheMaster:** Please at least tell me you won’t tell her that’s the blog of the Quartermaster of MI6. She doesn’t need to know that.

 **00Free:** right no need to spread ur secret obsession with space gays

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Or real ones

 **TheMaster:** _@00Free_ M can read this chat if he wanted to, it’s too late.

 **TheMaster:** However, I am considering deleting this thread _if_ you apologise to 007 and resolve this preposterous discord of yours.

 **TheMaster:** _@James-bloody-Bond_ shut up.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** So you admit you’re on my side with this?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Which is, of course, the right side since I did nothing

 **James-bloody-Bond:** And don’t think I don’t know about the magazines you keep in your nightstand drawer. Or your tumblr

 **chri$tina:** omg don’t tell me you have one too Bond

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I won’t. Because I don’t

 **chri$tina:** for once I think I believe you

 **chri$tina:** here is mine calligraphia.tumblr.com

 **chri$tina:** that’s how I found y’all

 **chri$tina:** and if I could find you then anyone with skills could so I wouldn’t be so sure _@00Free_

 **00Free:** tina i still hate you

 **00Free:** i said i was sorry

 **TheMaster:** What about the deal I offered you, 003?

 **00Free:** yeah alright I take it _but_ we’ll solve it like men, in the gym

 **00Free:** in single combat

 **00Free:** or i’m out

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I accept your challenge, Benbow

 **00Free:** alright then bond tomorow at noon? i’ll kick ur arse nice

 **James-bloody-Bond:** We’ll see who comes out of this as victorious

 **00Free:** indeed

 **chri$tina:** btw I also followed nora’s blog

 **chri$tina:** and I messaged her

 **chri$tina:** she literally called my blog ‘so aesthetic and just wow’ and now we’re mutuals on insta as well

 **00Free:** now i hate you like 200%

 **ScarletWitch:** Wait, Tina, you have Instagram? Can I have your username?

 **chri$tina:** you too scarlet?

 **chri$tina:** it’s _christinagallopp_

 **chri$tina:** and I’ll definitely follow you back

 **ScarletWitch:** Mwah *blowing a kiss*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Hang on a minute, are you two a thing

 **chri$tina:** …what gives you the impression…

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Scarlet is a bi 00 and you’re a gay techie. there is a pattern by now

 **chri$tina:** just so you’d known, I’ve been in a (short) relationship with like two men at least, it’s not my fault you’ve only ever seen me with girls

 **chri$tina:** so I’m as bi as anyone

 **chri$tina:** I just like girls more, and no, we’re not a thing

 **ScarletWitch:** Really *winking face*

 **chri$tina:** one night doesn’t count, scarlet

 **chri$tina:** oops

 **ScarletWitch:** ILY

 **chri$tina:** no you don’t, I talk too much and I’m annoying. everyone knows that

 **highfive:** well this has got interesting

 **ScarletWitch:** Shut up

 **chri$tina:** SHUT UP 005. YOU ALL HAVE WORK TO DO.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the tumblrs are fictional. one doesn't exist and some real people own the other two, so don't expect to find anything.


	6. #gay party and sherlock holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, i'm back! there will be more this time, because i was bored (again) and wrote three chapters at once.

**femmethirteen:** Karen and I are celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this weekend and we’re having a party *party popper* *heart* You’re all invited!

 **eve-moneypants:** Congrats, Audrey!!! Your place?

 **femmethirteen:** That rather depends on who’s coming

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Are we coming?

 **chri$tina:** I definitely am love

 **TheMaster:** I am quite busy with the aftermath of the Korean attack, but I suppose I could entrust the minions with the task and make time for my favourite 00.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Since when is Audrey your favourite 00

 **TheMaster:** Since always, darling.

 **TheMaster:** She’s the only one who isn’t sloppy, does her paperwork on time and always returns her equipment intact, unlike someone.

 **chri$tina:** everyone

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I’m offended

 **chri$tina:** though I do recall that one time in Bali with the sex traffickers

 **femmethirteen:** Please don’t bring that one up

 **femmethirteen:** It was once

 **chri$tina:** oh you should’ve seen 0013 then

 **femmethirteen:** Tina. Please don’t *happy sweat *

 **femmethirteen:** So, with whom can I count on Saturday?

 **ScarletWitch:** wouldn’t miss it

 **ScarletWitch:** want me to bring some alcohol?

 **femmethirteen:** Sure, but within reason *wink*

 **femmethirteen:** Also, I’m glad

 **ATurner:** Happy anniversary! I can make it if the Nigeria mission goes smoothly enough. I’m close to acquiring the information we need.

 **ATurner:** If I do, can I bring Danny along?

 **femmethirteen:** Of course, Alex

 **femmethirteen:** The gays must stick together after all *rainbow*

 **00Free:** count me in if u don’t mind my momentary straightness lol

 **00Free:** or even if u do i’m coming cos there wil be free food and alcohol

 **00Free:** i’m kidding but u knnow what i mean

 **00Free:** (not that i’ll ever be straight im not that boring)

 **dark_lord:** Forgive me for being “boring” but _@tanyah^.^_ and I are definitely coming  & looking forward to your party!!!

 **tanyah^.^:** you mean time away from our kids

 **dark_lord:** I don’t know what you’re talking about, sugarbear!!?

 **tanyah^.^:** but to be fair, I need that too

 **billyidol:** Sorry if I’m late Audrey but we wouldn’t miss your anniversary party for the world!!!!

 **femmethirteen:** Aww Bill you’re sweet *blushing face*

 **chri$tina:** so I’m guessing it’s your place then

 **femmethirteen:** I mean, we do have a huge garden, and a barbecue

 **chri$tina:** cool

 **chri$tina:** if I snatch a date at the d&d tournament, can I bring them with?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** As if that will ever happen

 **chri$tina:** oi

 **chri$tina:** not cool, old man

 **chri$tina:** by the way, how did that duel with 003 turn out??

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I’ll let you know, I still have it

 **RussianVodka:** Barely though lol

 **RussianVodka:** Also I’m not coming, sorry Audrey

 **chri$tina:** wow congrats

 **femmethirteen:** No need to apologise, we’ll all be glad anyway *grinning face* *grinning face*

 **RussianVodka:** I’m hurt

 **James-bloody-Bond:** No, you’re not

 **RussianVodka:** Fair point brother, I did deserve that

 **ScarletWitch:** Poor 003, getting his arse kicked like that by a fifty-year-old

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I’m not fifty. Yet.

 **00Free:** thanks scarlet, at least someone is on my side

 **highfive:** nah she’s not the only one

 **James-bloody-Bond:** So you too? And I thought we finally started getting along

 **Gareth_M:** I’m afraid I won’t be able to come to the party, 0013. However, I do congratulate you and your wife on five years of successful marriage. Have a drink on me, will you?

 **Robin:** Count me in *rainbow*

 **007+1:** Me too, if you’ll have something non-alcoholic for me to drink and won’t require me to socialise too much.

 **chri$tina:** and now they show up

 

***

 

 **TheMaster:** _@Gareth_M_ my brother wants to know if he could have access to the offices for the purpose of solving a murder in which an MI6 employee might be involved.

 **TheMaster:** I told him to e-mail you, but he wouldn’t listen, nor he’d listen when I told him you won’t allow it anyway.

 **Gareth_M:** Mycroft is the head here, tell him to sort it out with him.

 **TheMaster:** Oh, believe me, he tried. Mycroft doesn’t want him sniffing round here.

 **Gareth_M:** I can see why.

 **Gareth_M:** But if there is an ongoing investigation that involves us and Scotland Yard allows him to be a part of it, I’m afraid we’ll have to comply, as much as I don’t like it.

 **TheMaster:** So he’s got access then?

 **Gareth_M:** …Yes. But keep an eye on him when he’s here, will you, Quartermaster?

 **TheMaster:** Obviously.

 **RMWatson:** Sherlock is coming to Six? Oh dear, you’ve got something to look forward to.

 **TheMaster:** I know.

 **RussianVodka:** Oh hi Mary, it’s been a long time

 **RMWatson:** Oh yeah, and why is that, I wonder.

 **Gareth_M:** Please, no arguing, you two.

 **RussianVodka:** Yes sir

 **RMWatson:** I intended no such thing.

 **chri$tina:** if you see Irene tell her that dress she gave me for the wedding fits perfectly and helped me catch the attention of a cute bridesmaid _and_ a sexy waiter ;)))

 **chri$tina:** I keep forgetting to text her

 **RMWatson:** I think we’re having a girls’ night out sometimes this week, you could come with us if you’d like.

 **chri$tina:** bisexual girls gang meet up, yay

 **chri$tina:** that’s gonna be fun

 **chri$tina:** _@ScarletWitch_ I think you’re invited too

 **RMWatson:** Oh, sure, the more the merrier. Our husbands can be too much sometimes.

 **RMWatson:** You know how it goes with the two of them.

 **ScarletWitch:** As long as there’s alcohol, I’m in

 **RMWatson:** Don’t worry, Scarlet, there will be.

 **ScarletWitch:** Great

 **ScarletWitch:** When?

 **RMWatson:** Looks like Friday at 8, somewhere near Baker St.

 **chri$tina:** suits me perfectly

 **RMWatson:** Gotta go now, apparently Sherlock needs me to describe the HQ to him down to the slightest detail. Like he didn’t have the map in that head of his.

 **TheMaster:** Yes, I also wonder why on Earth does he need to come here when almost his entire family works here.

 **RMWatson:** Just let him do his thing, little brother.

 **00Free:** is there…. something.. i’m missinghere…

 **00Free:** are u talking about sherlock holmes

 **00Free:** brother??

 **chri$ina:** Q’s his younger brother, I thought everyone knew that by now

 **TheMaster:** R, you can’t just tell people that.

 **TheMaster:** But yes, I am.

 **00Free:** holy fuck

 **007+1:** Wait, Q is a Holmes?

 **007+1:** It all makes sense now.

 **00Free:** why he’s keeping his identiyt secret and never tells anyone his name

 **007+1:** Exactly!

 **TheMaster:** Nice one, R.

 **chri$tina:** sorry, sir, I’ll refill your mug with your favourite blend

 **TheMaster:** That would be lovely, thank you.

 

***

 

 **eve-moneypants:** 005 AND 002 QUIT YELLING AT EACH OTHER ACROSS THE WHOLE BUILDING! RIGHT NOW.

 **eve-moneypants:** Someone is attempting to do their work in peace!

 **2O 2: **Landry stole my LUNCH

 **2O 2: **It’s not my fault he’s being a prick and can’t even admit it!!!

 **highfive:** why the fuck would I steal your fucking lunch you idiot I HATE MUSTARD

 **eve-moneypants:** BOTH OF YOU, HERE!

 **eve-moneypants:** You’re behaving like children, not top international spies with a licence to kill!

 **2O 2: **Yes ma’am

 **eve-moneypants:** You’re still yelling. I can hear it. If you won’t shut your mouths and come to my office calmly, I’ll report you to M.

 **highfive:** fine

 **Gareth_M:** You don’t have to, Miss Moneypenny, I can read this. Do as she says, agents.

 **00Free:** oh this is hilarious

 **Gareth_M:** Do you have anything to say, 003?

 **00Free:** not at all sir

 

 **eve-moneypants:** Okay, if 005 really didn’t steal 002’s lunch, I demand to know **who did**.

 **eve-moneypants:** Because this isn’t at all funny.

 **eve-moneypants:** Any lunch thief is interfering with the smooth run of a work day at the service.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Wasn’t me. I cook my own lunches, thank you very much

 **00Free:** I’m in america can’t blame it on me

 **eve-moneypants:** I know it wasn’t you, or 004, 008, and 0012, who are on missions abroad. Clearly. But that narrows it down quite a bit, doesn’t it? Come clean and nothing serious will happen to you.

 **TheMaster:** Either it was 006 or 002 forgot his baguette at home, though I’d vouch for the latter.

 **TheMaster:** Or maybe he misplaced it.

 **TheMaster:** Now stop whining and buy another, I need 005 to come down to Q-Branch and take a look at the new firearm I’ve developed for his next mission.

 **highfive:** I’m looking forward to the beauty

 **highfive:** _@2O 2 _you really are an idiot aren’t you

 **chri$tina:** boys

 **2O 2: **_@RussianVodka_???

 **RussianVodka:** Couldn’t have been me, I’m not even at work

 **RussianVodka:** Which, in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have said

 **eve-moneypants:** Get your arse here, Alec. Now.

 **eve-moneypants:** Can we go back to what we were doing now?

 **2O 2: **But that’s not fair!

 **2O 2: **I know I didn’t forget my baguette at home. That doesn’t happen.

 **TheMaster:** It must have, for there isn’t any other explanation. I’ll send a minion to look for it in the kitchen if you’d like, or maybe you might look into your bag, but it was too empty to carry a baguette when I saw it in the morning. Do carry on with your business and buy one at Salisbury’s.

 **chri$tina:** …is it just me or does Q sound a lot like Sherlock right now?

 **TheMaster:** Anyone can make a simple deduction as that, R. And he _is_ my brother, so naturally I must have inherited some part of the family traits and abilities.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** To be fair, Q’s always like this. He’s Q

 **James-bloody-Bond:** It’s kind of sexy

 **RMWatson:** Oh my god, I can see why he chose you of all people.

 **RMWatson:** I’m starting to think there is no such thing as coincidence anymore.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Oh look, she talks to me

 **RMWatson:** Don’t push it, Bond. You’re still a bastard.

 **RMWatson:** Irene would like you. Just saying.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I certainly like her, she has style

 **TheMaster:** Maybe you should be together instead.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Nonsense, you know I love you

 **TheMaster:** Want to come over?

 **TheMaster:** With lunch.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Thought you wouldn’t ask, darling

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Maybe I’ll bring something else than lunch, too ;)

 **TheMaster:** Yes, bringing the budget reports M wanted me to sign would be lovely.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You’re no fun, Q

 **James-bloody-Bond:** You know, there _is_ something about what she said

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Family traits

 **TheMaster:** Shut up, James, or I’ll think you’re complaining.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Wouldn’t dream of it *blowing a kiss*


	7. #goose session on-line

**RussianVodka:** hey

 **TheMaster:** What’s going on?

 **RussianVodka:** nothingg

 **TheMaster:** Alec, are you drunk?

 **RussianVodka:** maybe

 **RussianVodka:** a bit

 **RussianVodka:** me and james hit the pub

 **James-bloody-Bond:** That’s true

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Hes had more than he lets on

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I absoltely didn’t

 **TheMaster:** Right, like I believe you. One would think that as the two senior Double-Ohs, you’d have acquired some sense by now, but as I can see, you’re still incorrigible.

 **TheMaster:** You forget to click the predicted words when you’re drunk, you know.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Ow my head..n spinning

 **RussianVodka:** darling q

 **RussianVodka:** I think you should pick your husband up

 **RussianVodka:** he’s passed out

 **RussianVodka:** and me too please q

 **TheMaster:** He’s not my husband, not until another two months, and I’m not your personal cabbie, Alec. It’s your problem what you get up to in your free time. I’m at work.

 **TheMaster:** His drinking is where I draw the line.

 **eve-moneypants:** Q, it’s almost 1 AM, how are you still at work?

 **eve-moneypants:** I don’t say I agree with those two but at least they know how to have fun.

 **RussianVodka:** eve! thank you

 **RussianVodka:** rly though come pick us up this isn’t gonna end well

 **eve-moneypants:** How much have you had, for Christ’s sake? You have better liquor tolerance than basically any of us and that’s me saying it.

 **RussianVodka:** he’s had a lot. a big lot

 **RussianVodka:** I just had some beer and vodka

 **RussianVodka:** okay maybe a lot of vodka but I’m fine

 **RussianVodka:** did I ever tell you about that time in mother russia when I had to drink two bottles to keep up with a guard I needed to distrract

 **RussianVodka:** that was one hell of a day

 **TheMaster:** You did tell us on multiple occasions, Alec. I still wonder how you didn’t wind up in an ICU.

 **RussianVodka:** haha me too brother

 **eve-moneypants:** God forbid, I’m on my way.

 **RussianVodka:** how do you even know where to go though

 **eve-moneypants:** No need to say thanks.

 **eve-moneypants:** Q might or might not have improved the Smart Blood programme, miniaturised the chips, and put one in your coffee.

 **RussianVodka:** that’s a very mean trick q

 **RussianVodka:** going behind my back like this

 **TheMaster:** Technically, it wasn’t just you.

 **TheMaster:** M’s orders.

 **TheMaster:** And, pray tell, why are _you_ still awake, Moneypenny? Got yourself a date?

 **eve-moneypants:** You may be my best friend, but that’s none of your business, Q.

 **TheMaster:** Ah, so I’ve hit the bulls-eye.

 **eve-moneypants:** Alright, yes, fine. I’ve had a date that turned out to be a bit longer than expected. Satisfied?

 **chri$tina:** somebody’s getting some!!

 **eve-moneypants:** Shut up, you lot. Go to sleep. I’m driving.

 **chri$tina:** she didn’t deny it though

 **chri$tina:** is he hot?

 **chri$tina:** eve?

 **TheMaster:** You have to tell me the details later.

 **eve-moneypants:** If you get your arse home and take care of your drunken man when I pass him to you, I might consider taking you out sometime…

 **TheMaster:** To that fancy chip shop down Regent Street?

 **chri$tina:** you answer him and not me? I feel betrayed

 **eve-moneypants:** Sorry, Tina

 **TheMaster:** Also, shut up, you’re driving.

 **RussianVodka:** there’s karaoke in this pub

 **RussianVodka:** I might join in lol

 **TheMaster:** Don’t. That’s an order, 006.

 

***

 

 **highfive:** I wouldn’t use the men’s toilets on level 2 for a while if I were you

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Too much information

 **theEleventh:** Actually thanks five

 **TheMaster:** Do I even want to ask what is this about?

 **highfive:** a tap’s broken off and there’s water everywhere

 **00Free:** lol I thought there was a case of like diarrhoea or something

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Again, too much information

 **TheMaster:** How on earth did that even happen, Jeffords?

 **highfive:** I’d rather not go into any details

 **2O 2: **Oh I bet you and Kara were going at it hard again, you tiger

 **007+1:** Who’s Kara?

 **2O 2: **This girl from PR he’s been shagging

 **2O 2: **Or so I’ve heard anyway

 **highfive:** I have _not_ been shagging _anyone_ from the office and _especially not on the sinks,, who even does that_

 **00Free:** you basically just told the whole mi6

 **ScarletWitch:** Oh you bastard

 **ScarletWitch:** We’re never gonna forget this you realise that don’t you

 **highfive:** I’m not. speaking to any of you. ever again.

 **highfive:** FOR ONCE I WAS BEING CONSIDERATE

 **007+1:** Yeah, because you caused the flood and felt guilty. We get it. Get over yourself.

 **007+1:** Imagine what Kara must feel like.

 **2O 2: **Oh look, she has emotions

 **007+1:** Well, I am, after all, human like the rest of you. Don’t be surprised.

 **007+1:** Peace out, it’s prayer time.

 **TheMaster:** I hope someone sent for a janitor to fix the tap, at least.

 **highfive:** YES I DID I’M NOT A MORON

 **2O 2: ***complete moron

 

***

 

 **theEleventh:** This mission is boring

 **theEleventh:** I’m on a stakeout and nothing ever happens

 **theEleventh:** Let’s play a game or something

 **James-bloody-Bond:** What game? Anagrams? You give us a word and we’ll come up with new words?

 **TheMaster:** That’s not entirely a bad idea.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Darling, you know I’m joking, right?

 **femmethirteen:** We could play word chain!

 **theEleventh:** Oh, sure, anything to keep me occupied

 **theEleventh:** Any rules?

 **femmethirteen:** I suppose not? Anyone can play *heart*

 **theEleventh:** Ok I’ll start

 **theEleventh:** Boredom

 **femmethirteen:** Omen

 **TheMaster:** Enforcement

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Nth? Does that count?? I don’t know any word that begins with nt

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q you cheeky bastard

 **ScarletWitch:** I’d say it counts

 **ScarletWitch:** Theory

 **eve-moneypants:** Rye

 **Gareth_M:** Yeast

 **chri$tina:** street

 **007+1:** Ethnicity

 **2O 2: **Tycoon

 **theEleventh:** Onion

 **billyidol:** Onto

 **ten_inch:** Tomorrow

 **femmethirteen:** Owlet

 **chri$tina:** Eternity

 **2O 2: **Typhoon

 **TheMaster:** Ontology

 **Robin:** Gyroscope

 **eve-moneypants:** Petrol

 **Gareth_M:** Olive

 **ScarletWitch:** Verification

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Oncologist

 **00Free:** stupidity

 **femmethirteen:** Tyre

 **theEleventh:** Repetition

 **chri$tina:** onomatopoeia

 **TheMaster:** Iamb

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Honestly what the fuck

 **TheMaster:** I’ll have you know, there is precisely one word beginning with -mb, and I know what it is.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** No, there isn’t

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Nerds

 **ten_inch:** Mbabane

 **theEleventh:** That’s not actually a word

 **ten_inch:** I’ve been there on a mission. Mbabane is the capital of Swaziland. Can we continue?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Nerd

 **ScarletWitch:** Is that your entry or a sneering remark?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Why can’t it be both?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I won

 **chri$tina:** no you didn’t, not if you count R&D

 **TheMaster:** I hate to disappoint you, but that doesn’t actually count. James won.

 **chri$tina:** and we all know why you say that ;)))

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I won fair and square, baby

 **chri$tina:** I see someone’s been forced to watch star wars

 **James-bloody-Bond:** I watched Star Wars before you were even born

 **2O 2: **Touché

 **chri$tina:** is that actually true _@TheMaster_

 **TheMaster:** 007 does, in fact, love Star Wars.

 **chri$tina:** okay I yield

 **chri$tina:** another round?

 **theEleventh:** My target is finally on the move, gotta dash

 **chri$tina:** I’ll start: target

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Ethanol

 **007+1:** Old-fashioned

 **Gareth_M:** Education

 **TheMaster:** Onerous

 **Robin:** Usurper

 **2O 2: **Ergo

 **00Free:** goose

 **TheMaster:** Session

 **ScarletWitch:** On-line

 **chri$tina:** necrophiliac

 **eve-moneypants:** Accusation

 **007+1:** Why is it always -on?

 **007+1:** Ongoing.

 **007+1:** There you go.

 **TheMaster:** This game is no longer ongoing.

 **TheMaster:** I think we could go back to work. Or rather, should.


	8. #themaster added m_holmes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title speaks for itself.

**eve-moneypants:** _@everyone_ it’s badminton time! MI6’s annual badminton tournament is approaching, so I’m asking you all to consider joining. There will be great prizes for the winners *sunglasses*

 **eve-moneypants:** Please stop by my office to sign up.

 **highfive:** FINALLY I’ve been looking forward to that all year

 **ATurner:** Uh-oh. Here comes trouble

 **highfive:** my racket is fully prepared to hand you your arses. again

 **00Free:** oh come on thats not fair he always wins

 **eve-moneypants:** Won’t know for sure unless you try, Clyde *smirk*

 **00Free:** ok fuck you have me i’m in

 **2O 2: **When did ever Clyde resist a competition

 **00Free:** never and that’s how i roll mate

 **00Free:** u know me

 **chri$tina:** pls tell me men and women (and other individuals ily 0014) will compete together this time

 **chri$tina:** no sidelining

 **chri$tina:** as promised four times before

 **ScarletWitch:** Yeah, that’s not fair at all, everyone knows I’m the best and can beat Landry’s arse without breaking a sweat

 **highfive:** dear scarlet, is that a challenge

 **highfive:** cos I wouldn’t bet on it

 **eve-moneypants:** As ever, I apologise for that, but it was to give everyone equal opportunities to win, not only the 00s, if we mush everyone together, we all know how that will end – but M promised to divide groups differently this time, regardless of gender, even if that’s how it goes in professional tournaments. Happy?

 **ScarletWitch:** Finally

 **chri$tina:** yayy

 **femmethirteen:** This is exciting *blushing face* *blowing a kiss*

 **femmethirteen:** I’ve been practising with my brother for two months now

 **chri$tina:** ^^ not fair

 **James-bloody-Bond:** ^^

 **femmethirteen:** Your problem *grinning face*

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Q’s problem, he’s pants at badminton so I have no one to practise with but Alec, and you all know how that goes

 **ATurner:** I still remember last year when we all convinced Q to join *grinning face*

 **00Free:** lol yeah,, that time he fell on his smiler was the best

 **highfive:** or the time he threw the racket instead of the shuttlecock

 **TheMaster:** Oh shut up, everyone. I could have you punished for making fun of your superior.

 **TheMaster:** I’m not a sports person and you know that, why the need to see an actual evidence?

 **James-bloody-Bond:** There’s one sport you’re pretty remarkable at, though, darling *winking face*

 **ScarletWitch:** /cough-cough/

 **ATurner:** Can we just… talk about something else

 **00Free:** uh yeah

 **eve-moneypants:** _@RMWatson_ will you be joining?

 **RMWatson:** I might if I find a sitter for Rosie, John’s away on a case for two weeks.

 **RMWatson:** I wasn’t 001 for nothing.

 **eve-moneypants:** Technically, you still are.

 **RMWatson:** Let’s not go back to that.

 **RMWatson:** I’ll join this silly tournament to remember the old days but that’s that. I’m serious about being finished.

 **TheMaster:** You know whom you could bring to this, though? Mycroft.

 **RMWatson:** Oh my god

 **RMWatson:** I’d like to see _him_ hop round the gym with a racket.

 **TheMaster:** And I think Irene would be more than happy to practise parenting for a day, btw. We need you here.

 **ScarletWitch:** The girls got to stick together

 **chri$tina:** preach

 **James-bloody-Bond:** So “the best agent of all times” is happy to fight us in badminton but won’t go on missions we all put ourselves at risk on on daily basis because she quit five years ago over a broken heart. Interesting

 **RMWatson:** Oh no you didn’t.

 **RMWatson:** First of all, I have a two-year-old at home.

 **RMWatson:** Second of all, go fuck yourself, Bond.

 **RMWatson:** Third of all, you of all people should stay out of this. It was your fault - and when you disappeared for a year and everyone thought you were dead, it was somehow okay, but me being retired yet still an active backup force in case of worldwide emergencies and saving your arse during V-Day II - you’re very welcome - isn’t. So maybe you should stop looking at me and see if there isn’t something wrong with _you._

 **TheMaster:** James Bond, you cannot be serious. Apologise to Mary. Right now.

 **TheMaster:** And, just so you’d know, I don’t care that you’re my fiancé, I can have you suspended effective immediately. How would _you_ like to be a backup force?

 **Gareth_M:** Please, try not to set off conflict in this chat, thank you. You’re all adults, so try and behave that way, and respect all the members and their choices.

 **Gareth_M:** That goes particularly to you, _@James-bloody-Bond_.

 **James-bloody-Bond:** Yes, I apologise, _@RMWatson_. I shouldn’t have said that

 **RMWatson:** I still don’t forgive you, but apology accepted.

 **RMWatson:** Thank you, sir, and Q.

 **Gareth_M:** You’re, of course, welcome at our tournament.

 **TheMaster** _added_ **M_Holmes** _to_ _MI6Squad_

 **TheMaster:** Dear brother, as you are the head of SIS, you _must_ join our annual badminton tournament. It will be good for your health.

 **M_Holmes:** What is this?

 **TheMaster:** It’s our chat, the original purpose of which was to keep our communication private after an attack on our files, but then it got out of my hands a bit.

 **RMWatson:** Hello, Mycroft

 **M_Holmes:** Mary? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with the Service anymore.

 **RMWatson:** How can I remove myself from this chat??

 **TheMaster:** Sorry, you can’t.

 **TheMaster:** Mycroft, that was inappropriate.

 **M_Holmes:** Apologies if I struck a nerve. Say hello to John and Sherlock from me, will you?

 **RMWatson:** They’re not answering your texts?

 **M_Holmes:** No.

 **RMWatson:** Can’t say I blame them.

 **M_Holmes:** Brother, please remove me from this chat. Or I’ll have someone do it.

 **TheMaster:** No.

 **TheMaster:** I was the scapegoat in last year’s tournament, so it’s only fair it has to be you this year.

 **TheMaster:** I know that you can, in fact, play badminton, and I also know that you’ve ordered chocolate cake for breakfast twice in the past two weeks. Imagine what would Sherlock have to say to that.

 **M_Holmes:** This is blackmail.

 **TheMaster:** A bit, yes.

 **Gareth_M:** Not when it comes from me. Hello, Mr Holmes.

 **Gareth_M:** I’m participating too. Do what you will with that information.

 **M_Holmes:** M himself siding with my little brother, who would have thought.

 **M_Holmes:** All right, I will consider the offer.

 **Gareth_M:** Great.

 **RMWatson:** I almost said I wouldn’t come but I wouldn’t miss this, so.

 **TheMaster:** A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, no less.

 **TheMaster:** Did you notice how everyone’s suddenly quiet?

 **TheMaster:** I almost wanted to type LOL.

 **chri$tina:** you just did

 **TheMaster:** There she is.

 **chri$tina:** didn’t want to interrupt when the real adults were talking

 **chri$tina:** full sentences with full stops and all that

 **M_Holmes:** Who are you?

 **chri$tina:** R, sir, from Q-Branch.

 **M_Holmes:** Ah.

 **eve-moneypants:** (historical moment #4: R used a full sentence with correct punctuation)

 **chri$tina:** shut up, eve

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to use these characters in your fics, feel free to, I'd love it! If you want to know more about them, [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w6Pa0YW5l2ESDnxOI-UgLn1nytbrkFcPeh_eSpGHYIA/) is a (crappy) character sheet.


End file.
